Why? So my anxiety levels aren’t up the ante and I don’t go crazy about Ray being in L.A. this entire weekend.
The above quote is 101% accurate to how my anxiety levels make me feel. Only a few people know this about me while the rest probably question my craziness, lol. It really is hard for me to explain and not sound insecure, because it’s something I can’t even explain and understand myself.
If you talked to some of my best friends, they’d tell you that I’m not the insecure girlfriend, that I’m cool and calm and the ‘do-you’ kinda girl when it comes to relationships. I truly believe in giving each other your own space and time for yourself while in a relationship to keep it healthy and exciting. Due to my last relationship before meeting Ray, I now have these intense feelings of anxiety – not to the point where I have attacks or want to do anything violent, don’t worry. It’s more on the insecure side of anxiety. I’m glad he’s finally going to be able to watch Kobe play in his last year in the NBA – in fact, he’s going to see two NBA games this weekend! He’s also going by himself so that’ll be nice to explore beautiful L.A in some peace and quiet (while hopefully wishing I was there with him, lol). I’m glad that I’ll have some alone time at home for the weekend but a big chunk of me is going to want to know every single thing he’s doing, where he’s going, etc. Why? I don’t know.
In the past, I was made to feel like no one else was going to love me for me. That I would be lied to, cheated on and not treated like a princess. What my last relationship did to me, killed me mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It took me a very long time to heal and, at times like this, I feel like I’m still trying to heal.
They say the past makes you who you are today and, it’s true. Yes, my past has shaped me to be the woman I am today but, unfortunately, it’s also done some harm as well. Ray has been so good at trying to understand why I feel the way I do and say the things I say sometimes. He’s still trying to get used to it, God bless his soul he’s still around! I take situations like these as another challenge I need to overcome to better myself, as a person and as a lifelong partner.
So, thanks to some great girlfriends and the season of spring cleaning, I’m confident that I’ll get through this weekend way better than I’ve dealt with it before.
#1 on my to-do list for the weekend: CLOSET REVAMP! and I’m so excited. I can’t wait to show you my before and after!!